Back to good health

So, I haven't posted in a long while due to all the sickness we've had!  It's been weeks of colds, coughing, hacking, etc.  I ended up with a sinus infection and pink eye to boot.  Today I had 1 1/2 root canals done, but I am no longer coughing up a lung every second of the day and am feeling much better.  Since I had to spend some time at the Walgreen's pharmacy, I thought the following joke would be perfect:

John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman.  He could never find the item the customer wanted.  Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then, a man came in coughing, and he asked John for their best cough syrup.  Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.  The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him.  He's afraid to cough".

Roger and Elaine

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.  He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.  A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.  They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

And then there is silence in the car.  To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.  She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.  Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either.  Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward….I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ……so that means it was…..let’s see.  February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means….lemme check the odometer….Whoa!  I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset.  I can see it on his face.  Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong.  Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed---even before I sensed it---that I was feeling some reservations.  Yes, I bet that’s it.  That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings.  He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again.  I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right.  And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.  What cold weather?  It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600

And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry.  And I don’t blame him.  I’d be angry too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel.  I’m just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warrant.  That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me.  A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty.  I’ll take their warranty and stick it……

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

“What?” says Roger, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears.  “Maybe I should never have said….Oh I feel so…..” (She breaks down, sobbing)

“What?” says Roger.

“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs.  “I mean, I know there’s no knight.  I really know that.  It’s silly.  There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Roger

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

“No!” says Roger.  He’s glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that…It’s that I….I need some time,” Elaine says.

“There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response.  Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

“Yes,” he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand) “Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says

“What way?” says Roger

“That way about time,” says Elaine

“Oh,” says Roger.  “Yes.”

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.  At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Roger,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.  A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.  (This is also Roger’s policy regarding world hunger)

He next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.  In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.  They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing squash one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Bill, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

Sisters of Mercy

A man was driving down a deserted highway, and noticed a sign that read:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination…drives on.  Soon, he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough there is a third:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION—NEX T RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway.  On the side of the parking lot, a somber stone building with a sign on the door reads “SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OFPROSTITUTION”

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”

“I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business”….he answers.  He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented.  The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door,” and leaves.  The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup.  This nun instructs:

“Please place $50.00 in the cup, and then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.”

He places the money in the nun’s tin cup.  He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY

Everything is big in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.  When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit the bar at the hotel.  Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.  He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.  The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door.  Instead, he entered the third door, which led to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

Indian Love Poem

Nice night
in June
Stars shine
Big moon
In park
on bench
with girl
in clinch.
Me say
"Me love"
She coo
like dove
Me smart
Me fast
Never let
chance pass
"Get hitched"
Me say
She say
"Okay"
Wedding bells
ring ring
Honeymoon
Everything
Settle down
married life
Everything
Happy life
*********
'Nother night
in June
Stars shine
Big moon
No happy
no more
Carry baby
walk floor
Wife mad
she fuss
Me mad
me cuss
Life one
Big spat
Naggy wife
bawling brat
Me see
at last
Me too
darn fast

CAUTION!!!

Dr Seuss version of the Book of Mormon

Perfect for a Sunday........
What if the Book of Mormon had been written by Seuss?

Nephi: Of goodly parents I was born
I've never drunk, I've never sworn
This is Lehi, he's my dad
Laman, Lemuel, they are bad
And who is this? Why this is Sam.

Sam:  Yes, this is Sam; Sam I am

Laman: That Sam I am, that Sam I am
I do not like that Sam I am

Sam:  In a tent, my father dwelt

Laman: And it's so hot, I think I'll melt

Lemuel: Our father's brain is out of whack

Laman: Yeah, it's too hot, I'm going back

Lehi: Then go and get the plates my dear

Laman: On second thought, I'm staying here

Nephi: You said you'd leave and go away
Now all you want to do is stay?

Lemuel: That Nephi always gets his way

Laman: Here we are in this damp cave

Sam: We would not be here if you'd behave

Nephi: I will go and I will do
There's the angel, that's my cue
Laban's had too much to drink
Now he'll lose his head, I think

Nephi: Look what I found, a brother from the quorum

Sam: We will take him home, we will call him Zoram

Laman: Our gold and silver we have spent
I do not like it in this tent

Lemuel: I cannot read the Liahona
I must have drunk too much Corona

Laman: We hate it here, we have no lives

Lehi: Then go back to the city and get some wives

Lehi: A tree, a tree, I see a tree!!
The fruit is white, the fruit is free!
A floating building, could it be?
Why do they laugh and stare at me?
Laman, Lemuel, come and see!

Laman: We will not eat your precious fruit

Lemuel: We will not wear a tie and suit

Laman: We will not help you build your boat

Lamuel: We do not think that it will float

Laman: No not this boat, it will not float
Not even in a shallow moat
I do not care what Nephi wrote

Lemuel: We will not eat your fruit I say

Laman: We will not eat it on a tray

Lemuel: And we won't eat it in a tent
Not even if your clothes are rent

Laman: We'd rather have a can of spam

Laman & Lemuel: We will not eat it, Sam I am

Sam: You do not like it, so you say
Try it, try it, and you may
Try it and you may I say

Laman: Sam, if you will let us be, We will try it, you will see

Laman & Lemuel: Say, we like this fruit of life
Sorry that we caused such strife
You've saved us from an awful jam
Thank you, thank you, Sam I am

Good Ole Idaho

Well, it's been pretty cold here in Phoenix the last couple of days---but not as cold as my hometown up in Idaho!  Brrrrrr!  So in homage to my Idaho roots I have:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM IDAHO IF......

You've never met a celebrity.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
"Vacation" means going to Boise
You haven't seen the biggest Country Western bands until ten years after they were popular
You measure distance in minutes
You know several people who have hit a deer
You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day
You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better".
Stores don't have bags; they have sack
You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year
You end your sentences with an unnecessary reposition. Ex: Where's my coat at? or If you go to town I wanna go with.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked
You carry jumper cables in your car
You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is
You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for cattle prices and sports
You think that opening day of deer season is a national holiday
You know which leaves make good toilet paper
You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly"
You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction

Illegal Smuggling

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.  He's got two large bags over his shoulders.  The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.  The guard says, "We'll just see about that....get off the bike."  The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.  He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.  The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.  The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand" says Juan.  The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.  He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.  This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina on the Mexican side of the border.  "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something.  It's driving me crazy.  It's all I think about....I can't sleep.  Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

A Score of 150%

My cousin, Kia, once emailed this to me.  I love how she always sends me stuff she thinks I could get a laugh at.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.  Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.  He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.  When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

Children's Books That Never Made It To Print

Which one is your favorite?


1.  You're Different and That's Bad
2.  The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3.  Dad's New Wife Roger
4.  Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5.  Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6.  The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking'
7.  Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8.  Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9.  Some Kittens Can Fly
10.  That's it!   I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
11.  Grandpa Gets a Casket
12.  The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
13.  Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
14.  The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
15.  Strangers Have the Best Candy
16.  Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
17.  You Were an Accident
18.  Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
19.  Your Nightmares Are Real
20.  Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
21.  Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
22.  Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
23.  Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

A Blonde Joke

 Well, for my very first entry, I will be posting my favorite blonde joke.  I've got to show pride in my hair color (even if it's not my natural hair color ;)



A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.  The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?  The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines, and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.  The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.  The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.  The lawyer asks the first question.
 "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.  Okay says the lawyer, your turn.  She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.  He searches the internet and the library of congress, no answer.  Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers to no avail.  After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.
The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.  The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb!